Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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