Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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