I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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