Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
