her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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