grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
