I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
