It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
