i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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