He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hippo gnu deer
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
