apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
