Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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