you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
