my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
