you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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