"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
