You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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