my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
