getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
