Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
