it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
