the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
