Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
