What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
