Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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