dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
