Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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