stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
