Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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