Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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