It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
