i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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