so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
