Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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