I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
