I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
