I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
