just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
