Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
