i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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