Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
