White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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