make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
