my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
