I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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