I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
