i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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