I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
