you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
