I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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