I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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